


If At First You Don’t Succeed, You Must Not Be Jett Stetson (Bitch)

by Liliako



Category: Big Time Rush
Genre: Bad Flirting, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Jett gives inanimate objects feelings, M/M, Terrible Seduction Techniques
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-10-11
Updated: 2015-10-11
Packaged: 2018-04-25 23:00:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 5,893
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4979974
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liliako/pseuds/Liliako
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"When two of the BTR guys (whatever pairing you prefare) come out Jett is determined not to let them get all the attention for being the hottest Hollywood couple, so he sets out to do them one better, seducing superstar Dak Zevon." -LJ kink meme prompt fill</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Challenge Accepted

**Author's Note:**

> Originally found on LJ here: http://liliako.livejournal.com/16589.html

That James guy is pretty, Jett has to admit. He only admits it in a begrudging, manly way, though. Jett is better looking than three fourths of Big Time Rush and that means he wins in the end. As long as Kendall’s miserable, right?

The thing is, Kendall isn’t miserable. Kendall is apparently very happy for his two best friends who recently came out of the closet. James, the pretty one, and that nerd guy who used to get all the play from that crazy actress friend of Jo’s. Jett doesn’t know exactly how that worked out because, hello, James was like a solid 8 and the nerd guy was maybe a 4 at best. Maybe a 4.5 because he knew about sports. Whatever. The point is, they were Hollywood’s new hottest couple. Apparently being gay was the new thing, like being a vampire or that Dustin Believer kid. Jett was hotter than vampires and that Dustin Believer kid. He was also hotter than James because Jett had insanely awesome acting chops that had landed him important roles in all the popular teen movies, which de facto got him a higher rating than some guy with girl eyelashes who would sing the same songs over and over. Jett had range. Jett had style. Jett had a certain _je ne sais quoi_ that just made him better than the rest of the world, even if the rest of the world didn’t know it yet. Jett and his French phrases needed to be in the spotlight and in the hottest couple all the time. Jett needed to find a teen guy who rivaled both himself and James in terms of hotness. While this would seem an impossible task, he’d actually already polled Scuttlebutt about it.

Dak Zevon.

The man-boy, the myth, the legend.

Jett had given him props when he’d had his bad-boy stint with his minx of a costar from _Varsity Vampire_ , Janessa Budgeins, and they’d been photographed in a sex toy shop. That could have brought the kid’s career down in flames. But not Dak Zevon. Oh no, he was still squeaky clean in the eyes of American tweens. That made him the perfect choice for being the second half of Jett’s hot-gay-couple. Jett, rising teen star, and Dak, established celebrity figure and America’s sweetheart.

There was no way this plan could fail, it was almost too easy.

\--

“No.”

“What do you mean, no? Do you know who I am?” The nasally old receptionist doesn’t bat a heavily mascara’d eyelash. Jett doesn’t think her jowls even moved in response.

“Yes. Jett Stetson, you’re turning eighteen in two months, your break out role was on New Town High, there is a viral internet video of you and a llama, you had a fake relationship with one of your co-stars, you drive a Hybrid Prius and you are allergic to shellfish.” Jett frowns and leans away from the chest-high counter top.

“That was almost creepy,” Jett peers at the old lady and wonders if she just knows all this by heart or if it’s on her computer screen. Or if she’s got a chip in her brain that lets her easily recall information about hot young celebrities.

“That’s how we do things here at RCM CBT Global Net Sanyoid, I can also tell you that you sleep with an old stuffed animal tiger named Maurice who’s left eye is only a button and that you don’t floss enough. I can go on.”

“Please don’t,” Jett was a little freaked out now and he was sure it was showing on his incredibly handsome face. If they knew about Maurice and his poor flossing techniques what else did they know about?

“Thank you for visiting the RCM CBT Global Net Sanyoid Headquarters, have a Sanyoidal day.” Her lips pinch together and her jowls sway a little. Jett thinks that she might be smiling, but there’s just too many old-people wrinkles and flabby skin to be sure.

“No, I need to- What does that even mean?”

“Don’t ask me kid, I just answer the phones and tell weirdos like you to go away.” Jett has never been called a weirdo in his life. He takes it in stride and continues, because she obviously just doesn’t realize yet-- He’s not a weirdo, he’s Jett Stetson.

“You don’t understand- I need to meet with Dak Zevon or his agent.”

“You and every other person on the planet.” She rolls heavy lidded eyes at him and doesn’t make any sort of move to pick up the phone to get Dak’s agent over here.

“Lady, you don’t get it, he’s my new boyfriend and I need to let him know that so we can plan photo ops together.”   She looks up at him over her horn rimmed glasses. Did he make progress? Does she like photo ops? Did an old-person whistle sound and it’s time for mushy food lunch?

“If I had a dime for every time I heard that one. Security,” she motions the big body guards over.

“I am Jett Stetson! This will not stand! I will have him! _He will be mine!_ ” Jett yells as the body guards have lifted him under the arms and dragged him out the door.

They deposit him on the curb and there are several dejected looking girls there already. Their ages and prettiness range, but Jett is confident he is better looking than all of them combined, even if they had makeovers. The one with unfortunate head gear looks at him with big doe eyes that seem to be watering. She gives a loud sniffle-snort that turns disgusting as he hears her swallow her snot.

“Aren’t you Jett Stetson?” She asks in a warbling voice. Jett knows how to schmooze with the less beautiful people. He pastes on his charming, winner of a smile and sidles up to her.

“That I am, beautiful, that I am.” He gives a little chuckle and holds out his hands. “What can I sign for you sweetheart?”

“Nothing. You’re not Dak. I’m waiting for Dak.” She doesn’t even have a twitch of a smile. Jett thinks she kind of has frog lips and isn’t sure if that’s her normal face or the headgear at work.

“Right. He’ll be coming out here, then?” The girl rolls her eyes and heaves out a breath through her mouth. Mouth-breathing was one of Jett’s pet peeves. He takes a little shuffle step back.

“ _Duh_ , his car gets here every day at eleven am, he walks in the front door like a normal human being and he signs stuff for us because he’s the nicest guy on the planet. Dak is so down to earth, he really cares about-”

“Yeah, yeah, whatever, so he’ll be here soon, great!” Jett claps his hands and rubs them together as he sits down against the side of the building to wait. The girl looks disgusted at him.

“You were really bad in that Sleeping Beauty re-make,” she glares down at him. “You were a total jerk to that girl and the whole mythology of the story was wrong. Phillip is a much nicer prince. You know they were going to cast Dak but he couldn’t work it into his schedule because he’s too busy. You were really far down on the list. Chaz Milton Murphy turned it down before they finally got to you.” Jett is completely distressed! Chaz Milton Murphy is old! He’s, like, _thirty!_

“You’re lying, they would never cast that squinty old guy over me!” Jett jumps up and paces at the thought.

“They would too. You suck. And you’re mean. And you’re irrelevant to popular culture for the targeted audience of that movie, which is why they only made it for XYZ Family and not real movie theaters.” The girl sticks out her tongue at him and turns away.

Just as Jett is about to set this girl straight, a totally inconspicuous huge black SUV turns the corner and pulls up in front of the building. The scattering of unfortunately ugly girls each squeal at different pitches, reminding Jett of how Big Time Rush sounds, and they push him out of the way to get close to the car. “Hey! Watch the merchandis- this is expensive leather! Don’t get your dirty mitts-”

“Good morning, ladies!”

The girls immediately stop their frantic pawing and ruthless jacket-ruining shoving. They give a collective dreamy sigh and all appear to be swooning as one mass organism. Dak is all boyishly good looking and tall and signing their posters and shirts while making chitchat.

Jett wants to vomit a little at how perfect it all is. He does the next best thing and sneaks up behind Dak as the last rolly-polly fangirl gets her, ew, retainer case signed.

“Dak! Daaaak, Daky my man!” Jett throws an arm over Dak’s shoulder and pulls him close, ruffling his hair. To his professional credit, Dak only looks mildly worried that he might be getting kidnapped.

“Sorry, do I know you?” Dak asks as he tries to gently pull away. Jett just begins yanking him along to the door.

“You don’t yet but we are going to be best friends, don’t you worry!” Jett has a good feeling about this.


	2. Proper Planning Prevents Poor Performance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jett explains his brilliant plan to Dak but it doesn't go as expected.

“Wait- hold on, I think I’m not getting what your plan is because it sounds insane.” Dak is blabbering nonsense. They’ve been in some conference room at the RCM CBT Global Net Sanyoid Headquarters for at least a full ten minutes and Jett has explained his brilliant plan in perfect clarity. But he understands how he has to simplify it for fluff-for-brains over there though.  
  
“We could be Datt! Or Jek! The possibilities are endless!” Jett makes the classic ‘name in lights’ pose with each choice.  
  
“I’m pretty sure the possibilities end there.” Dak doesn’t sound convinced with Jett’s brilliance.  
  
“They’re endless,” Jett says, not moving from his pose. He doesn’t so much as glance at Zevon because Jett is a true actor and he stays in the moment.  
  
“No, seriously, there’s only so many letters-”  
  
“Endless!” Jett doesn’t care about the limits of the alphabet.  
  
“Fine, okay, yeesh,” Dak shakes his head, giving up. “Look, I’m sure you’re a nice guy and all, but I’m just starting to make my transition to more mature and serious film roles, I really can’t be caught up in all this.” Dak looks like he’s eyeing the door and planning his escape. The thing is, he’s on the other side of the conference table so he’d have to get past the table and Jett. And that’s pretty much impossible.  
  
“It’d be perfect! What better way to get your name on the page! It’s the scandal everyone’s accepting now!” Jett sits on the table and leans over, giving Dak his winning smile. Dak leans back in his chair further and takes his hands off the table.  
  
“I guess? But I’m not ready to come out to the world yet, and I don’t even know you so even if I did, I certainly wouldn’t be coming out with a new relationship, and thirdly, you have really bad intentions.” There Dak went again with the blabbering. Jett makes a mental note to coach that out of him. “I’m really glad that James and Logan feel secure enough to come out, they’re really great guys. Don’t ruin their moment, man. BTR are good people, and they’re my people, y’know? I don’t want to hurt them.” There was a pause that meant Dak was finish flapping his gums, thank God.  
  
“Has anyone ever told you how charming that whole good-boy thing is for you?” Jett gestures to the whole Dak Zevon image package. “It really works.” He’s being honest, it does work. He has no idea how, but it does. Jett’s agent told him never to go into sex toy shops because his reputation couldn’t handle it. She told him if he needs things to tell her and he trusted her because she was really good about getting that inflatable pool raft shaped like an alligator. He had named it Lester and Logan told him Lester was a stupid name for an alligator, and besides it wasn’t an alligator it was a crocodile- something about where the teeth showed and the snout shape. So, Jett hit Logan with Lester one day and Logan didn’t say anything else about him since.  
  
“Please leave,” Dak is talking again, maybe Jett should pay attention. “I don’t know you, you’re trying to make trouble for me and my friends and I don’t appreciate it.”  
  
“You know what the world would appreciate? Pictures of us holding hands and maybe walking a small fluffy dog,” Jett nods sagely and doesn’t seem deterred at all when Dak heaves a great sigh. “Do you want to un-appreciate America? Do you want to make orphans cry?”  
  
“What? Are you on drugs? What are you saying to me right now? How many orphans do you even know?” Dak asks a lot of questions so Jett just settles on gracing him with the answer to one.  
  
“Six. None of my fish ever knew their parents. It’s tragic, really. They cry all the time.” Jett feels for the little guys, he really does. They must be sad about that.  
  
“Fish can’t cry,” Dak points out and it’s almost cute how he’s trying, it really is.  
  
“What, you’re the expert on fish now? We’re getting off track,” Jett takes a breath and sets his face to ‘smolder’. “You and me. Everyday. For the rest of our lives. I want all of you-”  
  
“Are you misquoting The Notebook at me?!” Jett recognizes this look as ‘upset’. It’s confusing, because most other people he uses this face on get all weak in the knees.  
  
“I’m speaking from the bottom of my heart here and you’re nitpicking.” He tuts, shaking his head. Zevon’s flaws are all going to come rushing out of the woodwork now.  
  
“Nitpicking?! You’re trying to use a really emotional speech about an epic romance on someone you don’t know and you’re not even saying it right!” Dak jumps up, and Jett watches as his little rolly chair wheels into the corner. Poor rolly chair.  
  
“Fine, if you know sooooo much, how does it go?” Jett really doesn’t care how it goes, but he needs a second to think of another way to win over Dak so whatever.  
  
“It's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard.” Jett’s confused for a second before he realizes that those are the real words to the speech. “We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, forever, you and me, every day.” Jett gives the guy props, he looks like he’s getting a little teary and there’s some intense pointing going on. So naturally, he golf claps delicately. Dak glares at him.  
  
“Right, that’s how it goes. Anyway, we should date. I’m attractive, the internet tells me you’re attractive,” Dak scoffs at this, he probably knows how wrong the internet is with it liking Kendall and all. “And attractive people should always date.”  
  
Dak turns away from the gorgeous radiance of Jett’s presence and there’s a thump. And then another. And a few more.  
  
“If you keep doing that you’re going to get a flat face and then the internet won’t think you’re good looking anymore,” Jett informs Zevon because maybe he doesn’t know that.  
  
Dak heaves a big sigh and doesn’t thump his face on the wall anymore, but he doesn’t turn around either. “Why me?” He mutters and Jett doesn’t know if this is one of those rhetorical things or not.  
  
So he answers anyway. “I told you, Scuttlebutt chose you. The internet gets what the internet wants.” He shrugs, it’s really not his fault. Scuttlebutt could have told him it was the Bob Rattinson guy but then he’d probably re-poll them because Jett’s pretty sure that guy lives in London and he doesn’t shower. Jett has standards, after all. Dak is both liked by the populace of his target audience and meets Jett’s rigid standards. Attractive, young, hip, famous, hygienic, eats food, breathes air, all the important things, right?  
  
“You’re lucky I haven’t called security on you,” Dak tells him like no one has ever threatened Jett with calling security before. He’s even turned around and has that grumpy pose where people put both their hands on the table, cock their hip to the side and try to get up in your face. It’s supposed to be intimidating, much like the threat. Pssssh, riiiiiight, like this guy could ever be scary.  
  
“And I think that is one of the many signs of how deep our love is for one another.” When Jett reaches out to try and cover Dak’s hand with his own, Dak slaps it away. Jett recovers smoothly by covering his own heart with both his hands and looking up at the top right corner of the room, since his left side is his best side. He squints just a little because it’s supposed to make him look like he’s being thoughtful and sincere.  
  
“You have got to be kidding me. Is this a hidden camera show? Did you sign up for some reality TV show and there’s a secret camera in my ficus?” Zevons flapping his arms about like a chicken. Jett thinks about him in a big yellow chicken suit. Maybe white? No, definitely yellow. Oh wait, he’s supposed to answer one of those questions…  
  
“No, I- Wait, what’s a ‘ficus’?” Jett uses air quotes because he’s pretty sure Dak’s making that up. Or that it might be something dirty.  
  
“The plant!” Dak waves sharply at a withering sad looking fern type deal. Jett bets that if plants could cry, it would be. He’s also willing to bet that Zevon would have something to say about how plants can’t cry because he’s a spoilsport.  
  
“Oh. No, if there’re any cameras in here I didn’t put them in. And there’s no TV show or anything, just my awesome plan. Do I have to outline the plan again?” There’s a whiteboard, he could make it really simple bullet pointed statements. “There’s a white board over there I could-”  
  
“No, you don’t have to outline the plan again. The plan doesn’t make sense because that’s not how relationships work,” Dak is getting a little growly and it makes Jett think of the grizzly bears he saw on that nature show. Or the one about wolves. Angry wolves. But growling is one of those blurred line things because it can be sexy sometimes, so Jett tries to think of it as that and not that angry bear-wolf one.  
  
“Fine, whatever, we can do it your way.” No one can say Jett isn’t a benevolent and compromising human being. “What do you need? Do I have to get you a makeover and a hot car and flowers and take you to fancy dinners and- what? Do I have something on my face?” Dak is peering at him strangely.  
  
“Do you get your wooing advice from bad teen movies? How many girlfriends have you had? For that matter, how many boyfriends?” He crosses his arms and leans back. Jett notes the pose as the type they use on cop shows when they get suspicious. It’s still not scary because Zevon has that good-cop feel. Also, there’s no nightsticks, guns or tasers around so there’s not any immediate danger. Though, supposedly the nightsticks and handcuffs are a kinky sex thing…And Dak was caught in the sex toy shop that one time… Whatever, there were more important things at hand, like Jett’s reputation.  
  
“My wooing tactics are completely effective,” Jett brushes imaginary dust off his jeans before he hops off the table and stretches a bit. All that posing gets to those lower back muscles and his neck cracks loudly. When he glances at Zevon the kid is looking all smug.  
  
“You didn’t answer my questions,” he says and the corner of his mouth is curling up.  
  
“So? Your questions are stupid. And my plan is flawless. Trust me, I made a llama front page news.” Jett misses her a little. He still visits Lucy at the zoo on the first Monday of every month if he isn’t filming.  
  
Dak is full blown grinning, which is concerning seeing as he was angry before. Mood swings are just so much trouble to deal with, Jett knows. He works with a lot of bitchy teen girls and their Aunt Flo’s. “You haven’t dated anyone!”  
  
“I’ve dated plenty of people-”  
  
“Fake relationships and your characters’ relationships don’t count as your own!” Dak is far too pleased with himself for Jett’s liking.  
  
“That still leaves plenty of people. Lots of people,” Jett pouts stubbornly.  
  
“Oh really? Who are they?”  
  
“People you wouldn’t know,” his chin reflexively tilts up as he turns away from Dak. The guy is grinning like a creepy carnival clown, Jett shouldn’t be forced to look at that.  
  
“I’m sure. And they all live in Canada, don’t they?” Dak is coming around the table now and is going to get all up in Jett’s personal space.  
  
“Maybe,” he mutters and Zevon does exactly what he figures the guy will and is all up in Jett’s face. So maybe he’s a good foot away but still, it feels like he’s all up in Jett’s bubble. “I don’t have to prove how my awesome seduction techniques work. You’ll experience them first hand and be totally in love with me soon enough.” Jett pokes Dak in the chest for good measure.  
  
“I look forward to it,” Dak just smiles and pats Jett on the cheek like Great Aunt Helen does after Jett does something she thinks is cute. “I have real work to do, but I eagerly await being swept off my feet.” Dak gives a wave over his shoulder as he leaves RCM CBT Global Net Sanyoid conference room.  
  
Well.  
  
Score one for Jett then, because that really sounded like a ‘yes’ to his plan. Let phase two commence!


	3. Extra, Extra! Read All About It!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Breakfast is eaten, Jett has quality time with Snowball the bear-dog, and Dak sees something he never wanted to.

Dak wakes up at seven am on the dot every week day, eight am on weekends.  
   
Jett knows this because he’s been sitting outside Zevon’s house for a week and that’s when the lights in his room turn on every morning.  It was around day three that he got bored of waiting and just sat on the front porch step reading the newspaper.  Dak was positively overjoyed to see Jett and practically begged him to come inside for breakfast, that's what all the yelling was about, probably, Jett wasn't totally listening.  Which is how their little ritual begins-  Dak opens the front door and lets Jett inside, then they eat breakfast at Zevon’s cute little breakfast nook that looks out onto the backyard where Dak’s dog Snowball romps.  
   
Snowball isn’t the cute tiny mass of fur Jett expects.  Not at all.  
   
“How’s your bear?” Jett asks snidely every morning as the huge black Newfoundland dog lopes about the yard.  Dak always moonily stares out the window over his mug in his stupid cliché plaid pajama bottoms and grey T-shirt, and watches.  
   
“He’s good,” Dak coos.  Sometimes the thing comes onto the porch and slobbers all over the window and Dak kisses at the other side through the glass.  Sometimes Jett wants to puke up his Fruity O’s.  
   
The thing is, Dak thinks Snowball can do no wrong.  Whenever Dak isn’t looking, Snowball always tries to chew on Jett’s expensive leather sneakers so they don’t get along.  When Jett tried to explain this, Dak laughed at him in a cruel, maniacal way and told him that Snowball doesn’t chew things.  Jett swears that the dog-bear looked smugly at him after that.  Which is how the other ritual, that Dak doesn’t know about, starts- whenever Dak is out of the room or his back is turned, Snowball lunges for Jett’s expensive shoes and Jett vainly tries to gracefully dance away from the very sharp pointy teeth of the black Yeti.  
   
Jett doesn’t win often.  
   
Whatever.  
   
It’s a bright beautiful Tuesday morning and Jett’s already digging into his Fruity O’s.  Dak got a phone call and then the doorbell rang and there was a lot of yelling.  Jett is eyeing Dak’s pastry- a cinnamon bun- when the guy storms in and totally kills the whole idea of a quiet calm breakfast nook.  
   
“ _What is this?!_ ” Dak roars and slaps down a magazine on the table.  Jett finishes chewing his cereal before looking.  It’s unfortunate that before he has completely swallowed he glances down and proceeds to nearly choke to death.  
   
On the cover of _Pop Tiger_ is a big picture of Jett with a smaller bubble insert picture of Dak, and a little flying star deeming them the ‘Hot New Couple!’  Splashed across Jett’s torso are the words: ‘JETT CONFESSES: DAK’S MY MAN!’  There’s a bottom square picture of James and Logan with the caption ‘Guy on guy romances are all the rage!’  
   
“That is a horrible picture of me!” Jett coughs a few more times and sucks down some more OJ before continuing, “I specifically told them to pick from the set with the white shirt! This is the _blue_ shirt! God, magazines today.”  He tuts over the unfortunate mix up in communications.  The white shirt makes him look more innocent, though the blue brings out his eyes so it’s not a total loss.  
   
“What did you do now?” Dak yanks the magazine away and is frantically flipping through the pages.  He stops suddenly and drops the whole thing, mouth hanging open.  Jett uses his spoon to pull it back over to him to see what all the fuss is about.  Oh, the pictures with the article.  
   
“Aren’t we cute?” Jett points to a photo where they’re walking Snowball together, but the dog has been cropped out.  They’ve got their arms linked through each others and Dak is laughing at something witty Jett said.  “Good times!”  
   
“Good times?! _This never happened!_ ” Dak’s voice is getting all loud and Jett’s pretty sure it’s too early in the morning for this.  “I have been photo shopped into a lot of things on the internet but _this?!_ In a real print magazine that’s supposedly a reputable source? How could you do this?!”  
   
“Have you seen the one where they put Kendall’s head on David Hasselhoff?  Or there’s one where James is Godzilla, that’s pretty good too.”  The internet was really awesome sometimes.  
   
“What are you- what does that have to do with these?!”  Dak picks up the magazine again and slaps it with the back of his hand a few times.  Yeesh.  Someone needs to do some yoga.  
   
“I’m just saying that sometimes photoshops can look really realistic,” Jett explains calmly and returns his spoon to the remains of his cereal.  It’s down to that annoying part where the milk to Fruity O ratio is terribly out of whack, just far too much milk.  
   
“Yes, James really is Godzilla and we really went on all these outings,” Dak tells him flatly.   They really should do acting exercises together, Dak truly lacks emotion sometimes.  This yellow Fruity O doesn’t want to leave the sea of milk and it’s really getting annoying how Jett can’t scoop it up.  He tries to push it towards a lonely blue one.  
   
Dak hits him with the magazine and grumbles a lot of things.  He’s still sputtering as he shuffles away.  
   
“Where are you going?”  Jett calls after him but Dak’s disappeared around the corner into the hall.  “You messed up my hair,” he points out but Dak doesn’t respond.  So Jett shrugs and tries to round up the yellow and blue Fruity O’s so they can turn green in his stomach.  
   
And that’s when he hears the whistle.  
   
One quick _‘fweet!’_   and there is a black homing missile coming right at the house.  
   
Jett scrambles to finish his Fruity O’s and he’s dashing through the living room and heading for the front door, staying away from the hallway because that’d be in the direct path of-  
   
 ** _Whoomph!_**  
   
He eats carpet.  Not in the dirty way where it really means girl bits.  In the dirty way where there’s bear-dog sheddings in his mouth and Dak’s toe-jam and carpet crumbs on his face.  Jett feels all of his internal organs being crushed as the massive animal lays over his torso and he can hear it panting happily.  
   
“Good boy!”  Dak praises his attack beast and is petting the stupid thing in the way that sappy dog owners do when they ruffle the dogs ears up and stuff.  Jett even knows the dumb look that’s got to be on Zevon’s face right now because he makes it every time Snowball comes back inside.  “You got the bad guy, yes you did!” And there’s the baby-talk voice that all pet owners make.  Jett doesn’t talk to his fish like that.  He treats them with dignity and respect and intelligence.  He would read them those big thick books if he didn’t find them so boring.  
   
“I bruise easily! Your Minotaur is crushing my spleen!” Jett complains and tries to crawl towards the door.  It’s only a few feet away.  He could totally make it, but if it’s possible he still wants the cinnamon bun that’s all by its lonesome on Dak’s plate in the breakfast nook.  Jett will not risk the safety of the pastry.  
   
“Minotaur? Really? Do you even know what that is?”  Dak snaps his fingers and the mutt immediately jumps up and sits at attention at his feet.  
   
“I saw part of a movie on the Sci-Fi channel when I was channel surfing once,” Jett figured it was a big beast thing so Snowball qualified.  He coughs a few times to try and re-inflate his flattened torso.  “I can’t move, I think it broke my tibia!”  
   
There’s a momentary pause that could be a lot of things, but Jett hopes it’s Dak looking disappointingly at Snowball.  
   
And then Dak daintily pokes Jett’s shin with his little toes.  
   
“Really?”  He sounds a little concerned and that’s enough for Jett to be pleased.  “Wait.  _Where_ does it hurt?”  
   
“Uh, my tibia…s?”  Jett didn’t think this lie through.  
   
“And what part of your body would that be?”   
   
Abort! Abort! Zevon sounds smug! He knows about bones!  
   
Jett rolls over onto his back and gives Dak a winning smile.  “You know what? I feel all better now!  So, back to the breakfast no- _huuynk!_ ”   When he tries to sit up Dak pushes him back down with a foot on his sternum.  That’s one bone Jett knows because of their beach episode on New Town High when he had to give Kylie fake CPR which made Jo’s character Rachel upset because she thought it was a makeout session.  
   
“You photoshopped us on dates together and just outed me to the entire world.”  Dak has one of those serious voices on but his face is kind of frowny.  It makes Jett feel funny.  That might also have to do with Dak’s foot pressing on his sternum though.  
   
“Yes? But I did it to woo you?” Jett tries and then yelps because Snowball nips at his fingers.  The large dog rumbles out a low growl.  
   
“Just a bit of advice?  Forcing someone to face their ultimate nightmare doesn’t really win you any points.”  Oh.  Jett had forgotten that part.  The part where Dak really was gay and wasn’t ready to tell people. Hm.  
   
“Uhm, you could just tell them the truth I guess.  I mean, I’d crash and burn as a manipulative bastard who’s a C-List fame whore, but you could keep pretending to be straight until whenever.”  Jett feels bad.  He does.  He never feels bad trying to take down Kendall because Kendall’s got this big support system and people that really care about him and stuff so he knows even if he did Kendall’s life wouldn’t be totally ruined.  And because Kendall’s face is really just too odd for fame.  But anyway, in the whole handful of days he’s stalked Zevon all the guy seems to have is his work, his fans and his dog.  “Or I could tell the magazine I lied.  And that you had nothing to do with it so you’d get off scott free.”  The words feel funny coming out of his mouth and he sort of has to force them out with his eyes closed and his nose wrinkled up.  
   
Dak sighs and Snowball makes a weird little noise and stops chewing on Jett’s fingers.  
   
After a moment, the heavy weight of the foot pressing on his chest leaves and Jett opens his eyes.  Dak’s petting Snowball’s head again and making a bunch of faces.  Jett wonders if he should leave them alone, perhaps he should give that cinnamon bun a visit and see if it needs anything.  Like more icing.  
   
“Fine,” Dak finally says and he’s holding out Snowball’s ears by the tips making him look like an airplane.  
   
“Not to make this any worse but when you say ‘fine’ do you mean-”  
   
“I mean it’s fine.  All of it.  It’s not like you’re going to go away until it happens so there’d eventually be real pictures of us anyway.  I’d rather come out then have rumors start I guess.  Then they’d pair me up with any guy I was seen with and not just you.”  Dak plays with Snowballs ears the whole time and doesn’t look at Jett.  The dog thumps its massive tail in Jett’s face.  
   
“Sooooo you’re not mad?”  Jett can’t believe he’s not being eaten by the bear-dog right now.  
   
“Oh, I’m mad,” Dak smirks down at him.  “I’m really pissed off that you didn’t even think about what this would mean for me, you’re so wrapped up in this stupid scheme to get a leg up on Big Time Rush that you’re not even thinking about the other people involved here.”  Jett totally feels like a jerk.  And he hasn’t even stolen Dak’s pastry yet.  That’s going to make him a big jerk.  “But,” Dak gives another little sigh.  “You’re making me realize that I’m going to have to come out eventually, and that right now when James and Logan are being accepted is probably the best time for it since they made the big splash and I’ll just be one of the after effect ripples.  So maybe pushing me out of my closet isn’t a horrible thing.”  
   
“Sooooo you’re happy?”  Jett sits up on his elbows.  He’s skeptical because Zevon seems to have a lot of mood swings.  
   
“Yes, but don’t be too pleased with yourself, I’m chalking it up to my maturity in the face of adversity and not your stupid antics.”  Dak pushes Jett back down with a well-placed foot to the sternum again.  He disappears down the hall with Snowball at his heels while Jett picks himself up.  
   
Time for a victory pastry!  
   
“And keep your hands off my cinnamon bun, I know that face!”  Dak calls down the hall and it stops Jett in his tracks.  
   
He has a pastry stealing face?  And Dak can already identify it?  
   
Maybe this whole ‘boyfriend’ thing wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.


End file.
